TIM E HOLDER

 

I know it will be difficult for most of you to believe, but I have not always been the serious, poker faced, brooding person who stands before you today. In fact, there were a few decades of my life when this deadpan and humorless shell of a man didn’t exist. When I lived in Nashville, from 1980 to 1990, there was rarely a stretch of minutes, when I wasn’t actively involved in some sort of practical joke, some form of tomfoolery that kept me almost always on the precipice of  trouble. Trouble, which, by the way, to me, were merely minor pesky nuisances, and certainly not a deterrent to the fun I was having.

I figure God has a sense of humor.  Genesis 1:27 says we were created in His image. And if we humans have the ability to see and express humor, then so does God. I drove everyone crazy. I never did jokes that would hurt or humiliate people. In fact, even growing up and all through college, most of the time my friends would come up with the ideas. And they always said, “Go get Tim.  He’ll do it.” And they were correct. I’m assuming it was my weird way of feeling accepted and one of the crowd. But, over the years, I’ve finally come to grips with the reality that i just enjoy it.

One of my first jobs in Nashville was as a disc jockey at WWGM radio station. When I say disc jockey, I mean, disc jockey. Put the vinyl disc on the turntable, set the needle on the record and pull the stop latch until time to release it and start the song. It was a gospel station, which only occasionally played music. Weekends, when I worked some, were mostly occupied with 15 minute to hour long sermons by popular pastors of the era.

The owners and managers of the station were wonderful people. But, they were not necessarily wonderful “cool” people, “hip” to new forms of Contemporary Christian music coming out of Nashville studios. While more “progressive” stations were playing Farrell & Farrell, DeGarmo and Key, Russ Taff, and Honeytree, WWGM was committed to Yolanda Adams, The Kingsmen, The Gaithers and The Happy Goodman Family. I kept trying to move them forward by introducing the manager, Lorna Harrison to Amy Grant and White Heart, but with little success.

So, as revenge, I would very regularly try to find ways to make Lorna laugh while she was on the air, this beautiful, Mahogany skinned, Jesus loving, sweet, lady, always perfectly fashioned and accessorized with a perfect radio voice that melted butter. I would stop everything i was doing to listen to her deliver the news. I would have been just as intoxicated if she were reading a stock market report from the newspaper.

WWGM occupied an older house in an older section of Nashville. It was two stories with the owners office on the second floor. Bedrooms on the first floor were mostly for administration. When you walked up the concrete step on the right side of the house and in the front door, you were in a large reception area, which I assume was originally a living room. The receptionists desk ran down the right wall so the receptionist could see anyone walking through the door to her left and the control room to her right. At the far end of the reception area was a huge picture window beginning about three feet off the ground, up to the ceiling, looking directly into the control room. You could just make out the back of the control panels on the floor and the disc jockey or newscaster behind the control panels, facing the picture window, therefore, facing anyone coming in the front door or loitering in the reception area. There were curtains that could be pulled shut if the DJ didn’t feel like being sociable. It was weird. I suppose this was arranged so that the disc jockey could see any artists coming for an interview entering the station, and could wave excitedly, setting the celebrity at ease. The curtains were usually open though, allowing us all some sort of contact.

My shifts were normally week nights from around 4 till midnight and weekends. And normally, I was the only one there. But, on this particular night, Lorna was hanging out doing some work and needed to be in the control room so she said she would just do the DJ stuff until she was finished with her other work.  So I was waiting my turn watching TV in the reception area. I heard Lorna saying on air that she would be right back with the news. Unfortunately, at that exact same moment, my ADD totally kicked into overdrive. I glanced over to the receptionist desk where my eyes landed on the receptionists extensive array of pencils and pens, methodically organized by color and length. I have no idea what came over me. But the next thing I knew, I was crouched down outside the picture window with a pencil stuck into every possible facial orifice I could find. I waited until Lorna was about a minute into the news cast before I slowly raised my head into view. I looked something like this. 

I don’t know. Maybe slightly reminiscent of a “Hellraiser” movie.

At any rate, the ultimate reaction far out did my initial hopes. Lorna was the quintessential professional. She never waivered in her ability to keep her composure on air. She kept reading the news as though she were a nightly news anchor…for about a minute. Then there was a long, arduously, painstakingly long pause ending with a stifled snicker, almost a grunt, flollowed by a button click going straight into a commercial for Joyce Landorf’s newest book, which, ironically, was titled, “Your Irregular Person.” Lorna flew out of that control room, alternating every 15 seconds from howling laughter and then trying to be firm. 

Howling laughter won out in the end. It always does. I think she gave up trying to do any work and we just sat around and talked for another hour between songs and commercials. Bonding comes in a lot of forms. This was a good one.

I’m usually a bit anxious in the moments before I actually go in for the kill with one of my practical shenanigans, hoping that somehow it ends up as a good story rather than me in jail or a bullet hole through a wall or my head.

WWGM was one of the first stations to connect to cable. The format changed so that it went off the air at 5pm and switched over to cable. I was a little mad about that. I was the night person.  In order to hear the station at night, you now were required to have have a cable hook up at your house and you PAID for the cable service. Who in their right minds was willing to PAY to listen to Anita Bryant, Evie or Reba Rambo at midnight on a gospel AM radio station? And realistically, at that time, the prelude to the techno era, no one did. NO ONE!!!

So, one night,  I don’t know what came over me. There was an hour long reel to reel tape playing some well known pastor. I wasn’t listening. I was in the reception area watching a documentary called, “The Secrets Of The Baobab Tree.” I was frustrated, feeling as though I was wasting my time being there.

When the reel to reel was close to finishing up, I went in and cued up Stubborn Love by Kathy Troccoli. I was strictly forbidden to play this particular song, even though it was off her first Christian album, because it didn’t actually say the word GOD anywhere in it.

Anyway, I cued it up. As soon as the pastor said “Good night,” I came on with a couple of commercials. And then I said, and it was like an out of body experience, “When we come back from the commercial break, we are going to have a HUGE contest, so stay tuned.”

My mind was racing as I thought of the possible ramifications of what I was about to do. But,  somehow I felt the punishments would be worth it and the punishments would be completely justified.

After the break, I went on the air and set up the colossal contest. “Okay. Let’s do an instant contest. When you hear the brand new hit single by Kathy Trocolli called “Stubborn Love,” be the first person to call in to the station.  You are going to win a huge prize. You are going to completely OWN WWGM radio. Yes, it’s true. If you’re the first person to call in, this station is YOURS!!! Just come in to the station Monday morning.  We will have all the contracts ready and you just put your John Hancock next to the space marked with an “x” and you will own your very own gospel radio station.” Then I went to some commercials and a couple of songs.

The palms of my hand were sweating as I waited for the song to end and push the play button for KT’s song to begin. I took a deep breath and I don’t think I released it for the next 4 minutes and 37 seconds. The song started and I sat there staring at the push button phone with all 5 buttons for outside lines blankly looking back at me. It seemed like forever.

Obviously no one was going to call after the first 2 minutes of the song played, so I was needlessly relieved. I got up and threaded the next 15 minute pastor reel to reel on the spindles. But, as the song slowly began it’s last chorus, I looked at my watch and knew there was only about 30 seconds left. No one, of course, was listening. Point made.

Then, at almost 4 minutes and 27 seconds, the first line lit up. There was no sound from the phone in the control booth, in case someone called while we were on the air. But, it was there. The steady blink of the silent yellow light was deafeningly loud to my psyche. I felt every pump of blood as it drained out of my head into my face and down into my chest cavity,  rendering me completely incapable of any rational thought.  My brain was no longer functioning as it swirled somewhere around the center of Dante’s third level of Gehenna. You know what they say happens just before someone dies. I literally saw my third grade class. 

My mouth went completely dry as I picked up the receiver and choked out, “Hello. This is WWGM radio. How may I help you?” There was a slight pause before the guy on the other end of the line said, “Uh, isn’t this Pizza Hut?” My body, which moments before was a 2×4 plank, slowly became a massive pile of poured out flesh. I sank into, and became one with the cushioned seat of my swivel chair. I was able to just mutter, “No, this is a radio station. And by the way, It’s 11pm. Pizza Hut closes at 10.” The phone went dead.

I must have sat there for a good fifteen minutes in the silence before I realized that it was, in fact, silent. I never pushed the button to start the next reel to reel pastor. But, then again, nobody cared. NO ONE!!!