TIM E HOLDER

I think I’m over being embarrassed to the point of mortification to talk about it now.

Yesterday I was going to pick up Chinese food for the workers at the fireworks stand and me. I was traveling down Maumelle Blvd. during rush hour traffic. I was stopped at a light and glanced to my right and saw a really nice red convertible. At the same time, I was thinking about my pooch Falkor who is staying at Dr. Peck’s during the day so he doesn’t have to stay kenneled so long at home.

I have this thing with him where I call him “little man.” And I’ll say it like 4 times in a row, really fast. “little man, little man, little man, little maaaaaaan!!!” So, for some insane reason, I just started saying it while I was driving down the blvd. Over and over and over. Trying to save gas, I had all the windows down.

I then, again, for some completely unexplainable reason, started singing it to the tune of Camptown Races. “Little man, little man, Li-ttle man…do dah…do dah!” Every so often stopping at a red light. Next came “Summertime.” “Little maaaan, little ole little man.” Which wasn’t working as well as I’d hoped, so I went back to Camptown Races. Only I decided to do it with Woody Woodpecker voice. “Wu hu hu hu hu…little man.” Spending the next couple of minutes trying to perfect Woody while calling out to my precious pooch. Now my voice was a little scratchy so I went from Woody to Elmer Fudd, while the tune, inexplicably changed from Camptown Races to the theme song from Flipper. “Wittle ole wittle man, wittle man, wittle man…fastew than wightning.”

At this point, I was stopped at a light, like the 4th one since starting down the Blvd., still doing some kind of inbred cross between Woody Woodpecker and Elmer Fudd and singing ‘Wittle Man” to the tune of Flipper when I heard laughter. I looked to my right and saw the same red convertible which I had seen at the first light, also with their windows down.

The woman in the passenger seat had her head leaning back against the head rest and was laughing so hard she was slapping her raised knee. The dude driving was just staring at me. I have yet to exactly figure out his expression. Not disgust or even a lack of understanding. His mouth was agape and his brow furrowed. It almost seemed there was a semblance of…I don’t know…awe.

I gripped the steering wheel and could feel the red rising from my neck and traveling upward. toward my eyes. Thank goodness the light changed before I realized, and before the red hit the back of my neck, that the entire time I was singing at the lights and focused on the voice characterizations and singing some fugue-ish version of “little man,” I was staring at my crotch!