TIM E HOLDER

If you should ever hear me, for some random, arbitrary reason yell out, “ANFRACTUOSITY,” don’t be alarmed. Anfractuosity is merely the act or state of being anfractious, which is an adjective meaning “full of bends and curves…intricate windings.”

There are absolute, turning on a dime moments or experiences in my life when I know change just happened or I can sense something is about to. Many times, it is part of my journey that I have no control over. Sometimes it is totally due to user error. But, a shift in focus is inevitable.

The past few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the anfractious paths our lives tend to follow and I wonder how much of it is due to mere circumstance and how much of it is the direct hand of God. I have lately been living in a statement my pastor made in one of his recent teachings. “The message will always be consistent, unchanging. But, the methods should always change.”

Twists, turns, curves, bends…anfractuosity. Even with a never-changing message that is clear and sharper than any double edged sword, I never stop being surprised by the unexpected, serpentine bends and curves in the road. I wish God would give me a heads up when something is going to change. If He would just yell, “PLOT TWIST” so I could have adequate time to prepare. Then I could handle it all on my own, all myself, and not have to depend on Him. As if that ever works.

Psalm 139 says, “Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day,” . He always knows. When I spend my time trying to do it all on my own, it’s easy to forget that He is actually on my side and knows what’s best for me, has a plan for my life that was laid out by Him before I was even conceived, knows when I want something, even when it’s ministry oriented, but still not His best for me. He knows when it’s time for me to let go of my dream, even if it’s wonderful, because His plan is better, and in the long run, will fill me more and leave me more fulfilled. He will sustain my gifts and grow me into that plan.

A couple of years ago I prayed hard about a volunteer position that might possibly open for me in Celebrate Recovery, a ministry I dearly love, and frankly, saved my life.  But, I couldn’t get past the feeling that God wanted me to grow in a different place. I wrestled for weeks. Finally, I heard Him say, “Give up what you think is good, for what I know is better.” When I finally let go, when I finally surrendered, I felt such an amazing peace and freedom. Real freedom. I was giving Him room to do something new. And now, a couple of years later, the door of that ministry has reopened and i find myself in a position of cleared space and time and hearing the Lord say, “now it’s time.”  Anfractuosity. 

I sent a copy of a story I penned a while back to my sister, Jacqui. She actually uses Facebook as social media. Go figure. She never reads long stuff, including mine. She is one of the many Jack Russell Terriors in my life. Once she gets her teeth in something, she just doesn’t let go. She texted me back about 2 hours later and told me to go to timeholderblog.com. She started a blog site for me.  A new adventure began because I cleared out space and gave Him room.

Just when we think we could never love anything more than using our gifts just as we always have, we need to be ready and prepare for anfractuosity. He will change us and He will use our gifts for His glory. There will be a bend in the road, a new key turning in a new door, a shifting season. The key is allowing our hearts to be surrendered and allow our methods to change to display His unchanging message of hope.

David wanted to build the Temple. God told him it wouldn’t be his to build, but his son’s. I feel certain that David must have felt disappointment. But, God’s plan for David was better. I feel certain that part of the reason David didn’t build the temple is because it was through his line that the Savior of the world would come. And rather than the linage of Jesus being from a “man who built a temple,” the ancestry of Jesus would be from a “man after God’s own heart.” That was a major plot twist in his history that David thought would be his legacy. He gave up what he wanted to receive what God knew was best. Anfractuosity. 

Another way I’m trying to escape the traps of human conditioning is to change my view of change. If I expect change, my knee-jerk reaction is to think, “I have to lose something for change to happen. What will I have to give up?” Maybe that’s why so many people hate change. I think the word itself has bad connotations. Maybe that’s why so many are afraid to give their hearts to Jesus.

What if we looked at it from a different vantage point. What if we made Isaiah 43 our catch phrase instead of “change.” Isaiah 43:19 says, “See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up. Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and springs in the wasteland.”

He’s doing a new thing. What if we allow him room to do a new thing in us instead of changing something. Maybe we do have to give up something we love so He can give us our new, best dream. It makes it far less scary for me to think of the adventures of life as new things, rather than having to change. “He’s doing a new thing.” To me that says it all. He’s doing it. And it’s new. And it’s going to be fresh water in a wasteland. Sounds like an oasis to me.

Anfractuosity is not about how steep is the mountain, or how sharp is the curve. It’s about the excitement of what is just around the next bend. And what is the next part of my story that He is about to reveal for His glory.

As exciting as the “new thing” can be, it can still be a roller coaster of pain and heartache before we get to fresh water. I have two precious friends I’ve known for more than 2 decades. Leah and Sam. We all went to church together. Sam was the youth minister and Lean was married to the Senior Pastor. At about the same time, they all felt called to move into different seasons of their lives. I was completely against it. I did NOT want them leaving. I tried to blame it on them not hearing clearly from the Holy Spirit. Truth be told, I just didn’t want them leaving me. My protests went unheeded

Leah and her family moved to eastern Tennessee to do a church start-up and Sam and his family moved back to Nashville, where they were originally from. Only a few years into leading their new church, which grew to about two thousand members, it was discovered that Leah’s husband was having an affair. This was not the first time her husband manufactured lies to cover his actions. I was even a victim of his lies, stories of gruesome, abusive events in his life, blatant lies used to elicit sympathy to cover his actions.

Leah, wise enough to set specific boundaries,  trying desperately to save her marriage and keep herself safe at the same time, boundaries which her husband was, in the final analysis, not willing to keep,  Leah moved back to Nashville with her kids and was finally forced to file for divorce. Sam struggled with many health issues, culminating in several strokes. He lives in a retirement village now, divorced, only in his late 40’s.

Leah wrote: “Sam continues to digress. He appears to be displaying symptoms of dementia or Parkinson’s,  maybe?  No official diagnosis and the symptoms are there. He reminisces about times at Little Rock and speaks longingly of you. The stroke has left him in a frustrating state. He recognizes his cognitive functions are lessening all the time and it scares him. So I ask for your prayers on his behalf!  Beth and the kids rarely come to see him (I have no judgement, she is doing the best she can) and his heart is heavy…he longs to see his kids. He aches to be with them. That is more than understandable. So if you ever come to Nashville it would be a gift for you to visit with all of us. Especially Sam. Beyond that I ask for prayers on his behalf. Love ya Tim.”

Soon after, she sent another message: “So I’m struggling and feel great terror about finances and being alone. Will you pray for me? Judge signed the decree on March 26th. I thought legally things weren’t complete for 30 days after. Mark’s  understanding is that it’s done and the 30 days is a formality. Either way I’m grieving and feel something between fear and terror. I need Jesus! What’s so strange to me is that for around eight weeks now I’ve seen deeper sorrow from Mark over minor things and grace towards me at a level that I just haven’t seen for many, many years. I thought he might want to reengage yet he never said anything. I finally realized this was his quiet way of saying goodbye. Which is very sweet and I’m grateful and I want things to be different and they’re not. It’s difficult to know what is an emotional stirring versus a real change. And either way it’s too late. It’s done. It’s over.  My miracles are used up. And to be honest I recognize that it’s not about miracles. It’s about accepting the things I cannot change. This is a tough one to accept.”

I processed for a few days before I was able to respond. My heart was broken for everyone involved. I love them all and grieve deeply for their many losses. I look for the “new things” in all this. I wasn’t sure what to say that would help. So, I spoke from my heart, what I know to be true.

“I don’t know that the “terror” you feel is anything abnormal. It may be that any kind of great, traumatic change brings up the F cubed instinct, (fight, flight, freeze). You are brave. You always have been brave. I am trying to remember back when I was finally forced into coming to grips with the choice, my choice, that my earthly existence was to be alone, without a significant other, partner, spouse (whatever the culture calls them now). It wasn’t easy. And I think I originally kind of railed against that reality. It was hard to grab hold of the idea that Jesus is going to have to prove that he is really enough. He is, that’s true enough. But, as amazing and surprising as he is, I don’t feel him physically hold me at night. I don’t get to throw my day at him while we grill out together. He’s not there to nuke a can of chicken noodle soup when I’m sick. We don’t laugh till we cry over the goofy stuff the dogs or mutual friends get into. I do talk to him all the time though, and hope an answer or response will be “felt.” I do hear him. Very clearly. So, I think, even if it’s occasionally been a bit unconscious on my part, I’ve been forced to look deeper, seek Him on a soul leve more intimately, purposefully plan out time to spend with him.  Sometimes, that rationale doesn’t make living alone any easier. but, sometimes it does. Everything is a season. That is pretty much my mantra nowadays. I can look back and safely say that every circumstance, experience, crisis, crisis of faith, broken promise, need, failure, decision, right or wrong has somehow always managed to come to an acceptable resolution. Not always, very rarely in fact, the perceived purpose I would have chosen. But, in hindsight, always right. And I’m still standing. Leaning into the almost constant winds of change has made my roots stronger, me more durable and bendable, resilient. It’s all, everything, just another season. And somehow it works out. And sometimes, at night, when I turn out the lamp and crawl under the covers, if I look really hard, I catch a glimpse of his eyes.”

Leah wrote back: “Some of it has been brave and some of it has not been brave. Some of it has been a lack of trusting God! Yet even when I didn’t trust God the way he asked me too, He was still watching and waiting and guiding and covering and all consumingly loving me; all in the midst of my disbelief and my belief!!  That is an amazing God!! I hung out with Sam today and though he won’t recall the words I read to him from your message, in that moment, that pivotal, powerful moment, he said, as I read, ‘I catch a glimpse of His eyes,’ he said ‘oh wow, I can just be still , finally,  and focus and reflect on that.’ He got it!  And it was powerful to him!! Thank you for creating a powerful moment for me. Thank you for creating a powerful moment for Sam; Thank you for creating a powerful moment for all of  us together!!!”

How do we get through and survive the “anfractuosity” of this life? Jesus is ahead of us, peering with perfect precision around the next curve, the next bend, preparing the way. And we get through it together. The “powerful moments for all of us together.”

May his grace be evident with every turn, every bend, every curve you navigate.

And may the anfractuosity of your life be “all new things.”